Self Love

Knowing ourselves deeply and loving ourselves deeply is the only path to healthy fulfilling relationships.

I spent decades in a relationship that at my core I knew was wrong for me. 

In 26 years together we never once experienced the depth of connection that I desired to create, that on some instinctive level I knew was possible. . Only now do I recognise that I was as incapable of creating that as he was. That I was too emotionally immature and dogmatic in my thinking to create what my soul longed for. 

In my marriage I unwittingly tasked my husband with "making me happy".....naturally he failed dismally. Through no fault of his own because no person can "make" another happy or fulfilled.

I was searching outside of myself for answers that lay within. 

I battled with him for years to grow, to learn, to work on our relationship, all of which may seem entirely reasonable to some of you. 

Had I realised sooner that I was the "problem" and the solution, I may have left that marriage sooner. 

Yes, that's right. It wouldn't have saved the relationship. In fact the very things I needed to work on myself were the reasons I stayed. I stayed to avoid doing that work on myself. To prevent the need to grow. Harsh look at myself and my behaviours right there. All the energy and passion I put into working on him, working on connection, working on my marriage should have been channeled into working on me. I'm not saying he was blameless or that even now we could create together what I aspire to in a relationship. In fact I know differently. 

The difference being that now I know myself deeply I would set us both free all the sooner. 

I feel pain because in staying so long I caused pain for him and our children. I hate that I hurt that man. He was,
and always has been, a good man. We chose poorly when we were young and then attempted to make the best of a poor decision. 

Knowing myself deeply means that I love myself enough to not allow anything that drains my energy and emotion so fully into my life. 

Knowing myself deeply means that I wouldn't allow anyone who doesn't like me at a core level into my life. Now I know who i am more deeply, I'm better placed to understand if he too knows and likes me. Understand this.....if you don't know yourself well, how do you show another, or the world, who you are?

In knowing and loving myself deeply I'm prepared to be authentic and vulnerable, two things essential in building connection. Something I fear I was incapable of offering my husband.

In knowing myself deeply I also trust myself. I trust my judgements around who I can share myself with. Trusting myself is the first essential step in trusting others. Others, that I may choose to share my heart with. You must know yourself deeply to trust yourself deeply. 

Loving myself deeply means I live by my values. Even. When. It. Hurts. Yes, it's not always an easy decision, yes sometimes it causes pain, but the sense of satisfaction, the inner peace and contentment that you feel in living aligned with your values in every decision is incomparable. For me they are my compass pointing to true north. 

The relationships you create, the people you allow into your life in the various capacities are the yardstick on how you love yourself. What you accept in your life shouts to the world how you feel about yourself.