Conscious Celibacy

When my Lover and I parted company 5 months ago I made the decision that I was going to gift myself a year. 

A year to spend with myself. 

A year to be alone 

A year to discover me

A year to please only me

A year of conscious celibacy 

I've had discussions with friends and family about this decision, 

Many think I won't last the distance, but then they can't seem to grasp my reasons for making the decision, so they can't possibly understand that there's no way I'm going to deny myself the learnings, which is the real reason behind the decision.

For the past 31 years I've had an active and luscious, sensual, sex life. 

In that 31 years the longest I've ever gone without sex was 6 weeks. 

Even after I divorced, I was determined that this was a part of my life I wouldn't be sacrificing.

In fact, as I'd been partnered with the same man since I was 16, and in a fairly limiting relationship, I used singledom as an opportunity to explore new tastes. I've come to think of sex as a smorgasbord, there's lots to sample and I, being the epicurean I am, I think we should taste it all 😊

In recent times I've come to understand that I've used sex throughout my life for reasons other than sheer pleasure.

I've used it to reconnect with my Lover after a fight, to plug in, to have my needs for connection met.

I've used it to create intimacy and connection, often a false intimacy with people who aren't capable of a truly authentic connection. 

I've used it to get my needs for touch met.

I've used it for validation of my desireablility and attractiveness.

I've used it to manipulate and control men. Sounds horrible, but sex is power to most women. Many won't admit that they use it. I did it very unconsciously. Now I know and understand myself better, I see my behaviour for what it was. 

I used it to numb. When I was living unconsciously and I was feeling ungrounded, unfulfilled, losing myself in sex grounded me. 

Now some would say these are all very good and valid reasons to have sex.

I call bullshit. 

When you make love with someone you feel deeply connected with, When you have set up a sacred container of trust for you to completely surrender, to share and be seen authentically and in your complete vulnerability, then and only then can you understand what a transcendent experience making love is. The energy and power in Lovers coming together. That's when you glimpse nirvana, heaven right here on earth. That's the soul connection you glimpse in that moment when you stare into each other's eyes. Transformative. That's the true purpose of Sex. Power, Connection, Spirituality, Transformation. It's literally life changing.  

The comparison between the two is rather like eating a junk food diet or eating a deeply nourishing diet. One will fill you full of empty calories the other powers your body in a state of optimum health. 

Hey, junk food is fun occasionally, but I sure wouldn't want to eat it all the time and eventually your body shows signs that it's not getting the nourishment it craves and needs. 

So conscious celibacy means no sex. Not even the deeply connected kind.

I've made a conscious decision not to use another human being as a crutch for my own feelings, no matter how willing they are 😂

I'm learning to meet my own needs for touch, connection and feeling grounded. 

I'm trying to learn to be sexually independent. Not reliant on a partner to meet my needs. 

Not having my sensuality and sexual expression triggered by the masculine energy of a lover. 

I see this 12 months as the latest expression of my sensuality.

5 months in and I've learnt many lessons about myself, most of them unexpected. 
The further into the 12 months I get the more I recognise it may indeed be longer than a year.