Aloneness

Until recently, I had never realised I struggled with aloneness.
I'd never had the opportunity to learn that about myself.
Somewhere between being in a relationship ever since I was 16 and having four kids, a busy household, an involved family, an active social life and lots of outside hobbies I just hadn't learnt that about myself.
I'd always loved every quiet minute I could grab......but then there weren't that many of them.
Then I divorced and yes those first months where we shared custody were heart rippingly hard.
My solution? I worked every available hour. Often as many as 36 of them over the weekend when I didn't have my boys. I just didn't know what else to do, how else to fill the hours, and work had always been my way of numbing. It had worked really well for me over the years.......well if you didn't count the whole divorce thing.
Eventually I learnt to fill my weekends with self care and I loved it......by this time I was seeing a new man. I still didn't realise that I struggled to be truly alone.
I'm not talking about the alone for a few days, alone. Or the eating out or taking yourself on a date alone, I have always done that and loved it. No, I mean the "there's no man in my life" "I have no partner" alone.

In some way I'd always defined myself in terms of being part of a team, half of a duo, a partnership.
I'd been defined by the relationships I was in. What does that even mean? I didn't know who I'd be, what decisions I'd make, without the influence (overt or covert) of a man in my life. I'd simply never experienced what it was to be alone, without a man. On some level, much of my life had been geared to pleasing men...father, husband, lover, sons.....

I'd never bought a car on my own, I'd never chosen a house on my own, I'd never travelled alone.
There were dozens of situations I'd never dealt with on my own. And yet, everyone would have described me as independent. One of my husbands greatest complaints was that I didn't need him.

Then when the relationship I was in was in its death throes it occurred to me that I'd never spent any real time alone, that perhaps it was time. Boy did I experience some push back...the fear that I couldn't cope financially, that I couldn't support myself (even though I'd always worked!), the loneliness (which I'd rarely been struck with previously), the struggle with how I thought about my future as a solo woman, the thought that I might never have deeply connected sex again, the self defeating thoughts around plans for future travel and being able to do it on my own...every damn fear I think I'd ever had raised it's ugly little head.

I felt an overwhelming desire to be in a relationship, almost a pathological drive.
And that's how I knew I needed to do this.
That's how I knew this was exactly what I needed right now at this stage of my life.
Because I feared it so completely, because the thought of being alone made me so sad, I knew now was exactly the right time to experience aloneness.