Like it is

This blog is not for the faint hearted.
This is where shit gets real!
If you aren't up for truth telling, the warts and all, ugly crying, oversharing,  f bomb dropping, real version of me, please don't continue and unfollow me now if you've been silly enough to click on that follow me link, before you knew what I was all about.
This blog is an entirely self indulgent creative process.
Here I want to share my knowledge and learnings, the journey I've taken and am taking.
My views are entirely my own and I won't defend them, I'm happy to discuss and debate anything but I make no apologies for who I am. Right now I'm the very best version of me that I'm capable of being in this moment. Period. Who I am, is hard earned; decades of life experiences, disappointments, learnings, loves, passions, failures, challenges, roadblocks, losses, spin cycles and wins have crafted me into the person I am. I've never felt more myself, more confident in who I am, more sure of my direction, more in love with myself, than I do today. 
Do I have all my shit together? Hell no, in fact I recognise I never will and nor do I want to. This is a learning journey we are on and I hope that even on my deathbed I'll consider I still have more to learn.
It's been a fucking hard process to get to this point! I stand here unapologetically me......perhaps for the first time in my life.

Pedestal

Oops, I fell off my pedestal.
I thought you saw me,
precariously perched there.
I thought you knew me,
The person behind the facade
You called me your hero
I didn't know I wasn't allowed to fail
The fall didn't seem far
But it drove a wedge into my heart
You think I've changed
Rather, perhaps revealed
Ripped away the mask
I'm sorry you didn't know me
I guess I worked hard
to let no one see
The other, less perfect side of me
You thought I was strong
I longed for someone to see
Me, As I truly am
You said I was always there for you
And yet I felt so alone
And now?
I realise I was never really free
Free to really be me.

I'm not interested in f&@king you

I'm not interested in fucking you.
I'm not interested in casual sex where we mate like animals and roll out of bed untouched
I'm not interested in mechanical love making so that the task can be crossed off some to do list
I'm not interested in sex that leaves us unchanged, unscathed
I want to drown in you
Surrender everything I am
Be transmogrified
I want body fluids, crumpled sheets, covers thrown off
Heads thrown back, backs arched, hearts pounding
I want to cry out in passion
And collapse in tears
Tremble, beg, shatter
Be completely liquified
And then reformed

I'm not interested in fucking you
I want nothing less than complete transformation
I want us to lose ourselves in each other's eyes.
I want you to bring everything to that bed
Everything you are, the weak, lonely, ugly
Parts of yourself that you are ashamed for me to see
Bring it all. Give it to me. Let me see you
As you really are. I want you. The you that no one knows
The you that scares you
The you, that you spend your life denying
Bring it all and bare yourself to me
Let me love you open
Leave the games, leave the mask, leave who you should be
Just show up. Bring nothing....but you being naked

I'm not interested in fucking you
With no strings attached
I want your emotions, I want your pain, I want your fears
I'm not interested in pleasant banal conversation
I want to hold your hand and walk into your psyche
I'm not interested in quickies against the wall
I want to take years to explore, your body, your mind, your depth
I want to know how and why you think
I want to create a safe place
to excavate deeper than two people have gone before
I want to share old scars and past hurts
I want to create shared values, goals and dreams
I want three levels of connection; mind, body and soul
And a never ending exploration

No, I'm not interested in fucking you......because I want it all.

Self Love

Knowing ourselves deeply and loving ourselves deeply is the only path to healthy fulfilling relationships.

I spent decades in a relationship that at my core I knew was wrong for me. 

In 26 years together we never once experienced the depth of connection that I desired to create, that on some instinctive level I knew was possible. . Only now do I recognise that I was as incapable of creating that as he was. That I was too emotionally immature and dogmatic in my thinking to create what my soul longed for. 

In my marriage I unwittingly tasked my husband with "making me happy".....naturally he failed dismally. Through no fault of his own because no person can "make" another happy or fulfilled.

I was searching outside of myself for answers that lay within. 

I battled with him for years to grow, to learn, to work on our relationship, all of which may seem entirely reasonable to some of you. 

Had I realised sooner that I was the "problem" and the solution, I may have left that marriage sooner. 

Yes, that's right. It wouldn't have saved the relationship. In fact the very things I needed to work on myself were the reasons I stayed. I stayed to avoid doing that work on myself. To prevent the need to grow. Harsh look at myself and my behaviours right there. All the energy and passion I put into working on him, working on connection, working on my marriage should have been channeled into working on me. I'm not saying he was blameless or that even now we could create together what I aspire to in a relationship. In fact I know differently. 

The difference being that now I know myself deeply I would set us both free all the sooner. 

I feel pain because in staying so long I caused pain for him and our children. I hate that I hurt that man. He was,
and always has been, a good man. We chose poorly when we were young and then attempted to make the best of a poor decision. 

Knowing myself deeply means that I love myself enough to not allow anything that drains my energy and emotion so fully into my life. 

Knowing myself deeply means that I wouldn't allow anyone who doesn't like me at a core level into my life. Now I know who i am more deeply, I'm better placed to understand if he too knows and likes me. Understand this.....if you don't know yourself well, how do you show another, or the world, who you are?

In knowing and loving myself deeply I'm prepared to be authentic and vulnerable, two things essential in building connection. Something I fear I was incapable of offering my husband.

In knowing myself deeply I also trust myself. I trust my judgements around who I can share myself with. Trusting myself is the first essential step in trusting others. Others, that I may choose to share my heart with. You must know yourself deeply to trust yourself deeply. 

Loving myself deeply means I live by my values. Even. When. It. Hurts. Yes, it's not always an easy decision, yes sometimes it causes pain, but the sense of satisfaction, the inner peace and contentment that you feel in living aligned with your values in every decision is incomparable. For me they are my compass pointing to true north. 

The relationships you create, the people you allow into your life in the various capacities are the yardstick on how you love yourself. What you accept in your life shouts to the world how you feel about yourself. 

Conscious Celibacy

When my Lover and I parted company 5 months ago I made the decision that I was going to gift myself a year. 

A year to spend with myself. 

A year to be alone 

A year to discover me

A year to please only me

A year of conscious celibacy 

I've had discussions with friends and family about this decision, 

Many think I won't last the distance, but then they can't seem to grasp my reasons for making the decision, so they can't possibly understand that there's no way I'm going to deny myself the learnings, which is the real reason behind the decision.

For the past 31 years I've had an active and luscious, sensual, sex life. 

In that 31 years the longest I've ever gone without sex was 6 weeks. 

Even after I divorced, I was determined that this was a part of my life I wouldn't be sacrificing.

In fact, as I'd been partnered with the same man since I was 16, and in a fairly limiting relationship, I used singledom as an opportunity to explore new tastes. I've come to think of sex as a smorgasbord, there's lots to sample and I, being the epicurean I am, I think we should taste it all 😊

In recent times I've come to understand that I've used sex throughout my life for reasons other than sheer pleasure.

I've used it to reconnect with my Lover after a fight, to plug in, to have my needs for connection met.

I've used it to create intimacy and connection, often a false intimacy with people who aren't capable of a truly authentic connection. 

I've used it to get my needs for touch met.

I've used it for validation of my desireablility and attractiveness.

I've used it to manipulate and control men. Sounds horrible, but sex is power to most women. Many won't admit that they use it. I did it very unconsciously. Now I know and understand myself better, I see my behaviour for what it was. 

I used it to numb. When I was living unconsciously and I was feeling ungrounded, unfulfilled, losing myself in sex grounded me. 

Now some would say these are all very good and valid reasons to have sex.

I call bullshit. 

When you make love with someone you feel deeply connected with, When you have set up a sacred container of trust for you to completely surrender, to share and be seen authentically and in your complete vulnerability, then and only then can you understand what a transcendent experience making love is. The energy and power in Lovers coming together. That's when you glimpse nirvana, heaven right here on earth. That's the soul connection you glimpse in that moment when you stare into each other's eyes. Transformative. That's the true purpose of Sex. Power, Connection, Spirituality, Transformation. It's literally life changing.  

The comparison between the two is rather like eating a junk food diet or eating a deeply nourishing diet. One will fill you full of empty calories the other powers your body in a state of optimum health. 

Hey, junk food is fun occasionally, but I sure wouldn't want to eat it all the time and eventually your body shows signs that it's not getting the nourishment it craves and needs. 

So conscious celibacy means no sex. Not even the deeply connected kind.

I've made a conscious decision not to use another human being as a crutch for my own feelings, no matter how willing they are 😂

I'm learning to meet my own needs for touch, connection and feeling grounded. 

I'm trying to learn to be sexually independent. Not reliant on a partner to meet my needs. 

Not having my sensuality and sexual expression triggered by the masculine energy of a lover. 

I see this 12 months as the latest expression of my sensuality.

5 months in and I've learnt many lessons about myself, most of them unexpected. 
The further into the 12 months I get the more I recognise it may indeed be longer than a year.

 

Hello Grief

Hello Grief
You've blindsided me again
You keep catching me alone
In the small quiet moments
In the reliving of an unexpected memory
In the painting of a room
Knowing the last time I did this,  with you
In the trimming of branches
Hopeful hours spent in your yard
In the colour of a shirt
That perfectly matches your eyes
In the finding of a ticket stub
Remembering that weekend away
In an old airline boarding pass
Used as a bookmark and long forgotten
In the newest release at the video store
Snuggling in Gold Class together
In the theatre advertisement in the newspaper
For a show we saw together
In the reading of an article
That I know would interest you
In the remembering
that I don't know you anymore
In the sinking realisation
That perhaps I never did
KAB

Aloneness

Until recently, I had never realised I struggled with aloneness.
I'd never had the opportunity to learn that about myself.
Somewhere between being in a relationship ever since I was 16 and having four kids, a busy household, an involved family, an active social life and lots of outside hobbies I just hadn't learnt that about myself.
I'd always loved every quiet minute I could grab......but then there weren't that many of them.
Then I divorced and yes those first months where we shared custody were heart rippingly hard.
My solution? I worked every available hour. Often as many as 36 of them over the weekend when I didn't have my boys. I just didn't know what else to do, how else to fill the hours, and work had always been my way of numbing. It had worked really well for me over the years.......well if you didn't count the whole divorce thing.
Eventually I learnt to fill my weekends with self care and I loved it......by this time I was seeing a new man. I still didn't realise that I struggled to be truly alone.
I'm not talking about the alone for a few days, alone. Or the eating out or taking yourself on a date alone, I have always done that and loved it. No, I mean the "there's no man in my life" "I have no partner" alone.

In some way I'd always defined myself in terms of being part of a team, half of a duo, a partnership.
I'd been defined by the relationships I was in. What does that even mean? I didn't know who I'd be, what decisions I'd make, without the influence (overt or covert) of a man in my life. I'd simply never experienced what it was to be alone, without a man. On some level, much of my life had been geared to pleasing men...father, husband, lover, sons.....

I'd never bought a car on my own, I'd never chosen a house on my own, I'd never travelled alone.
There were dozens of situations I'd never dealt with on my own. And yet, everyone would have described me as independent. One of my husbands greatest complaints was that I didn't need him.

Then when the relationship I was in was in its death throes it occurred to me that I'd never spent any real time alone, that perhaps it was time. Boy did I experience some push back...the fear that I couldn't cope financially, that I couldn't support myself (even though I'd always worked!), the loneliness (which I'd rarely been struck with previously), the struggle with how I thought about my future as a solo woman, the thought that I might never have deeply connected sex again, the self defeating thoughts around plans for future travel and being able to do it on my own...every damn fear I think I'd ever had raised it's ugly little head.

I felt an overwhelming desire to be in a relationship, almost a pathological drive.
And that's how I knew I needed to do this.
That's how I knew this was exactly what I needed right now at this stage of my life.
Because I feared it so completely, because the thought of being alone made me so sad, I knew now was exactly the right time to experience aloneness.

Climax

Shatter me there

Shoved from the precipice

Of your love

Into nothingness

I fall

Smashed, broken, bleeding

Still

As I lay there

Gasping for breath

Silently, slowly

I gather my pieces

Bruised, battered, bare

I beg for more

March 2014

Come Lover

Come Lover
Let me take you by the hand
I'll lead you through
The fertile garden of my mind

Explore the verdent paths
Overgrown with trailing ideas
We'll take meandering conversational journeys
Explore random thoughts and ideas
Debate politics and religion
And still remain friends

So, Come Lover
Take my hand

Come Lover
Let me take you by the hand
I'll show you how to make love to me
How to bring me to the brink
And hold me quivering there
How to create a sacred space
And lose yourself in sensation
Stare into my eyes
And gently stroke my soul
As we both lay bare

So, Come Lover
Take my hand

Come Lover
Let me take you by the hand
I'll teach you about living intentionally
Conscious growth and fearlessness
I'll be right beside you
Cheering you on
Your most vocal fan
I'll encourage when you fall
And challenge small thinking
As we evolve

So, Come Lover
Take my hand

Come Lover
Let me take you by the hand
We'll explore the world together
Walk foreign cities
Traipse the winding paths
The interesting back roads
Pause in the shady nooks
Bask in the sunny clearings
Dine in cozy cafes
As we absorb life

So, Come Lover
Take my hand
KAB 17/05/16

Dearest Lover

Dearest Lover,
It almost broke me when you left.
The emptiness unfillable
No, not the hole in my life
The one inside me
A great ugly gaping gash
Ragged edges, torn, where all the ways
We joined, were ripped away
You never looked back
To see me laying there
Prone, Amongst the debris
of what I thought
Were our shared dreams
This longing I still feel
Apparently, unshared
Best friend, lover, confidante
Mind, heart and body ache
For your loving touch
I wonder will I forever feel
As though you are missing from me
KAB 10/05/16

Twilight Man

I'm in love with a twilight man
A man who isn't what he was 
And isn't yet what he will be
I'm in love with a man 
who only yet exists in promise
In glorious potential
But I saw that man
That distilled essence
And I loved him still

I have loved his journey
I've watched him grow
He began at the centre of the maze
And gathered fragments of himself 
Testing pieces he recognised
From his long forgotten childhood
And others he'd never seen before
And tried them on for fit

He prepared himself for the journey
Over many years
Collecting all he'd need 
To brave all his fears
His greatest enemy had to be fought
The one he'd feared all his life
He entered the arena ready for the fight
Completely unarmed
When he saw only he was standing there

Yes, I'm in love with a twilight man
A man who isn't what he was 
And isn't yet what he will be
I'm in love with a man 
who only yet exists in promise
In glorious potential
But I saw that man
That distilled essence
And I love him still

KAB 11/01/16