I Mourn You

 I mourn you.

In those small moments I wish we could share.

The sun on the water, the tiny child deeply concentrating as he scoots by, the seagull that photo bombs me, the toothless man who sits beside me for conversation, the things we would connect over and wonder at. 

I mourn you 

In the thought of you more than the actual doing.

The good morning darlings, the conversations with passing acquaintances when we are at the coffee shop, the learning a new language together, planning our next holiday.

I mourn you

In the empty spaces you would fill.

The pillows piled on that side of my bed, the person I would show that pretty shell, the body I would snuggle into, the days I would fill and desire shared, truths told, being seen. 

I mourn you

In all that you could be, but are yet, not.

The showing up for yourself and all that you want, in being honest to everyone including yourself, in loving yourself enough to see that I do too, in asking for what you want and settling for nothing less, in knowing yourself and understanding and taking action. 

In a thousand small ways I mourn you. 

KAB 

9/08/20 

When I Am So Full Of Wanting

 

Days like today are full of wanting

I want to roll over in bed and kiss you awake. 

I want to dress in the dark and sit nursing coffees while we watch the sun come up over the ocean 

I want to fall asleep in each other’s arms, spent, from so many hours of pleasure

I want to talk, talk til we have nothing left to say to each other .....whenever that may be

I want to look up and say ‘hey, let me read you this’......because you are right there.

I want to argue with you about the best way to tuck the sheets when we make our bed in the morning 

I want walk into my favourite cafe with you holding my hand

I want my mum to ask ‘What would HE like for his Birthday?’

I want to introduce you and say ‘Meet my Lover’

I want to plan city weekends and midweek country escapes 

I want our mail to read Drs (YOU) and English and our address to be the same 

I want to have 'IN' jokes, and old frustrations and internal maps that know each other’s scars, scabs and tender places

I want us to have a conversation that meanders across the years 

I want to walk into my favourite deli with you and choose the the makings of a picnic, wander down to the beach with our rug and delight in the flavours as we feed each other 

I want to notice as your body ages and the colour of your eyes fade

I want to have our adult children, and their children, visit us and feel happy that we found each other and get to spend our old age happy 

I want you to dream without fear and live your big life with me 

KAB 22/8/20